Monday, July 20, 2009

Charlotte, Bob & Freddie

Lately our house has become the main attraction for various living creatures. We have encountered more spiders than I have ever seen in my life. We have had rats up in our crawl space that I was completely traumatized by. And now, we have flies...very unintelligent flies. I decided I would like to have a conversation with each of them...

Charlotte, oh Charlotte...why do you have so many friends? Please tell them they owe me rent. When I'm sweeping the floor and you see me waving my arms and yelling, it's not because I'm saying hello. When I take a glass out of the cupboard and immediately see you take its place with a string of your sticky web, I am not flattered, I am disgusted. When I am in the shower or, please don't make your appearance. I am incapacitated and cannot chase you. And finally, please don't attempt a bath with my son. Sometimes I don't realize he's serious when he calls out "spider!" and I miss the opportunity of taking your life.

Bob the Rat...where do I begin? When you first made your entrance through the roof of my house, I thought you were a bird getting electrocuted. As I walked outside with my flashlight, expecting to see feathers, I saw your beady eyes instead. I do apologize that my husband set traps that were too small. I'm sure your family is just as traumatized as I am. I know you're a living creature who some kind people would consider a family pet...but please remember that we are not fact, we will karate chop you in half if we ever find you in our house again.

Freddie...poor little Freddie Fly. You didn't know that the holes in our fence were not big enough to let you through. When you tried to fly through, you didn't know that your body would get stuck half way and that we wouldn't help you out. I suggest you also stay clear of my kitchen. You might have heard the rumors of my karate chopping skills.

I have always been an ultra-sensitive, creature-loving girl...raising mice as pets and taking bugs outside instead of to the trash. But my skin has grown thick, & my heart is now only soft for humans...too bad for Charlotte, Bob & Freddie.

1 comment:

  1. Brilliant! You crack me up and thank you for coming over to the dark side of creature hating!